I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
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I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
synchronized noseblowing
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.