The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
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imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
This bar smells like my childhood.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]