my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
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11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.