“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
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An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
This line from Airplane.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
😂🤣😂🤣