GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
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count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
plant them where lol
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss