Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
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Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
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