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I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
My life in a nutshell
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.