so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
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Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Lube but for my dry humor.
Shortcut
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March