[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
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*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?