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These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
The happy life.. 😊
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
My zodiac sign is pistachio
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Erm…
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.