Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
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I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
kitchen magnet
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi