“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
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The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
#DesignFail
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
All food is good if you spell it wrong
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.