“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
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I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.