Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
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Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
This January has 47 Mondays
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Bit chilly again tonight.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.