I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
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Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years