*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
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“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.