Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
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Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
eggs benadryl
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.