fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
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Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start