Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
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Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı