My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
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one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes