Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
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joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.