[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
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In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
How wrong was this guy?
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)