My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
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Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*