I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
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Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Sharon I have some bad news
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.