[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
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If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Mistakes were made
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Damn what did I do next
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.