I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
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Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent