Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
You Might Also Like
🤣🤣💀
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”