Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
You Might Also Like
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Salad is the decaf of food.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!