4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
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When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Trying
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…