I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
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I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
whatcha thinkin bout
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”