Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
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Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.