What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
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if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.