A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
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baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here