You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
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“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
spot the difference
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song