I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
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Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?