A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
You Might Also Like
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.