At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
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He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
What personal space?
My dog
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit