My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
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Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up