would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
You Might Also Like
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”