God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
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Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
constantly working on myself.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.