How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
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cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
incredible
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.