Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
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MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.