You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
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*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or