My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
You Might Also Like
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
cats when you pet them too long:
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.