I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
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With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Them: Just act casual
Me: