My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
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you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Terribly Tuesday.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things