Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
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…żyje?
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Camping tip: No.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy