Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
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If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I think this cat is broken
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
I need to update my racial profile.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.