[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
You Might Also Like
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.