One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
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Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Feels
Put a ring on it
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
This January has 47 Mondays
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s